


mon amour

by justamessedupkid



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cosima finds a letter from Delphine, Delphine explains herself and apologises, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Season 3 Finale, except if you think of canon s4, goodbye letter, hours after Delphine has left for DYAD, idk how to do tags, it is sad, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28179762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justamessedupkid/pseuds/justamessedupkid
Summary: Mon amour,I hope that you will never have to read this letter. But if you do, know that I love you and that I am sorry. I never wanted any of this to happen, je te promets.-After the season 3 finale, Cosima finds the file left behind by Delphine for her. It includes a goodbye letter.
Relationships: Cophine - Relationship, Delphine Cormier/Cosima Niehaus
Kudos: 16





	mon amour

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, I felt like sharing my weird ramblings.  
> The rating is T, but there is mention of death, so be careful if that bothers you. Also, major spoilers for s3 of Orphan Black if that isn't clear.  
> Apologies for the mistakes I surely made. I am not a native English speaker and I don't have a beta.  
> French translations are at the end. I'm not a native French speaker either, so sorry for any mistakes there.  
> Enjoy reading (as much as possible)!

_Mon amour,_

_I hope that you will never have to read this letter. But if you do, know that I love you and that I am sorry. I never wanted any of this to happen, je te promets._

_Today, I killed a man. I haven’t even had time to process it – everything happened so fast. And I didn’t know how to tell you when we talked earlier. Not when you looked at me like you saw the universe in my eyes for the first time in forever. I needed this moment to be ours, to be eternal. Because I know it may well have been our last one._

_The man I killed was Dr. Nealon. He has been working for Neolution behind my back this entire time. He tried to recruit me and, when that didn’t work, he attacked me. I had my gun with me, I don’t know why. For some reason, I thought to take it with me this morning._

_So, I shot him, in self-defence – I think. I can’t be sure because everything is so fuzzy. What I do know however, is that it didn’t buy me much time. Nealon said I wouldn’t live until the morning and I believe him._

_I couldn’t leave without seeing you one last time, though. And it was worth it. God, you are brilliant and beautiful and l’amour de ma vie. You make it so hard and so easy at the same time to make this decision._

_But it is one I have to make if I don’t want to further endanger you and your sisters. I love all of you, like I promised, and you are and always will be my number one priority._

_I would like to apologise for the pain I know I have caused you. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret my decision. I had to keep you safe and there was no other way. But, God, how I wish there had been another way!_

_You must know that breaking up with you and then seeing you finding your happiness elsewhere has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I don’t blame you for any of it. But I do blame myself for not finding another way, for not showing you how much you mean to me. Without you, I can exist, but with you, I live._

_I haven’t been living these past couple of months. Waking up alone, not being able to kiss you awake, going into work not seeing you, spending my evenings alone, working – I don’t know how I did it. But in the end, it was all worth it, because you and your sisters are still alive. I just hope I have done enough, that you will stay safe._

_I feel uneasy about leaving you with less protection than before, but I also know that I don’t deserve your forgiveness, never mind your love, anymore. Killing Dr. Nealon isn’t the only horrible thing I have done. And I think you need to know what kind of person I have become, so that you’ll understand that, really, this is the natural end to my story._

_I am responsible for you not trusting me and, as a result, for losing Rachel, the only hope for your cure. And even before that, I tortured Rachel to get information out of her. Shay was no different. I threatened to kill her, Cosima. And it felt good. Having power, feeling superior for once, I can’t deny it was a thrill. But that makes me hate myself even more._

_How can I look you in the eye and know that I have done these things? The truth is, I can’t, even though you said you understood. I don’t think you do, and even if that was the case, you have always been too kind, especially when it comes to me._

_I know that you don’t like me making decisions that concern all of us without consulting you first. But this one was necessary because I know you would have tried to stop me. You would have asked me to stay, maybe even offered to find a hiding place for me. But we both know that there is no hiding from Neolution. They would always find me. And, once they do, I would rather neither you nor your sisters be anywhere close._

_This is why I am on my way to DYAD. It seems as good a place as any to spend my final moments, and it won’t be suspicious. I have spent enough nights there, and I figure Neolution know that._

_I am scared, but I know this is the only way to keep you safe. It hurts knowing that I will never be able to kiss you, to touch you, to watch you come undone under my hands again. I don’t regret it, though. Neither do I regret anything that has led to us meeting and falling in love._

_You are the single greatest thing that has ever happened to me and every day, I wonder how I even deserved a minute with you, never mind months. I need you to understand that I have never felt this love before: the kind of love that will make you do anything for the other person, and I do mean anything._

_This is all you, Cosima. You are so special, and I hope you will find someone to tell you that every day for the rest of your life._

_I am sorry for the many ways I have hurt you. I am sorry for not being more open with you. And I am sorry for not being worthy of you._

_I believe in you, though. I know you will find your cure, just like I know you and your sisters will find a way to keep each other safe. I have so much hope for you and so much love. No matter what you do, know that I am proud and that I will always, always do anything in my might to protect you._

_With this letter, I am leaving you a file of all the information I have on DYAD and your cure. It might not be much, but I do hope it will be of some help._

_Don’t look for me. Keep yourself and your sisters safe first._

_Je t’aime, toujours.  
Delphine_

***

I start crying during the first paragraph. I have to stop reading to get my shit together five times. As I read the last words, the last “je t’aime” I’ll ever hear from her, I finally break down, sobbing.

The love of my life is most likely dead. And my brain keeps repeating, _Stupid, Cos! Why didn’t you go after her??_

I don’t know how to recover from this.

**Author's Note:**

> mon amour - my love  
> je te promets - I promise you  
> l'amour de ma vie - the love of my life  
> Je t'aime, toujours. - I love you, always.


End file.
